As you all know Archie started big school a few weeks ago and he is settling in lovely and really enjoying school. This was amazing news as he was very clingy to me and would have a few tears going in to nursery the odd day. His teacher and teaching assistants must be doing a grand job helping him settle in class as he runs in to school.
It’s actually me who’s not coping and not settling. I’ve been at home with Archie and his sister from the day they were born. I knew from the moment I was pregnant with Archie I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career as head of sixth form , I wanted to cherish every last second.
So to me this is a loss , and the void feels huge. Even though he went to pre school and did two full days a week that was different and the house didn’t feel so empty. I feel him going to school means I’ve started to loose my little boy.
Loosing him in the sense that he is becoming independent , doing most things for himself in school. Going off in to those doors which seem so big and as I watch him evaporate in to the bigger school setting my heart sinks each day.
I come away from dropping him and his sister off to school and nursery and I feel lost. It feels like I go around all day in a bubble watching the clock for pick up times. I don’t focus , I’m not motivated and I’m just coasting if I’m completely honest. I feel like I’m grieving his early childhood stage , looking back on old memories , longing for one more day of muddy park mornings and afternoon cuddles.
I would give anything right now to go back to those sleep deprived days , the ones where you don’t think your going to get through the day your that tired .. but you do. That first word , tooth , step – I want to feel it all again, treasure it for a moment longer.
I miss the time just me , him and his sister and being needed so much. Though at the time I just wanted a break and some silence, I would give anything for the days to be filled with hectic routines and infectious giggles again.
Then there are my fears and anxiety for how he will cope. What if it all gets a bit much? and he’s overwhelmed ? and I’m not there with a cuddle and a tickle to make it ok again. And what if someone is mean to him ? or he finds the big toilets scary? What if he didn’t like the school dinner option today and his little belly rumbled all afternoon. Then the mum guilt rolls in because I can’t control all of this anymore and I so desperately want to.
For now I need to get over this loss , this void and practice some self care – be kind to myself. Allow myself to relax and watch ten episodes of sex and the city during the day eating my favourite box of chocolates if helps and fills that void for an hour then do it. I’m sure it will all get easier , it’s still early days so for now I’ll take it all in and deal with it in my own way. Anyone else feel the same ?